Good thing yawns and O faces look about the same because, thanks to
research being conducted by a handful of (presumably exhausted and
horny) PhD students at Indiana University's
The Kinsey Institute,
they're about to mean the same thing too. Early stages of testing an
as-yet-unnamed...supplement? Drug? Mother's little helper?...have shown
that the sexual health center's concoction of hormones and
neurotransmitters triggers orgasms approximately 10 to 15 minutes after
subjects ingest the mixture and, oh yeah,
yawn.
Kinsey Institute mad scientists, I don't know what kinds of problems
you're encountering that might be inhibiting this miracle solution's
public debut, but if a proper moniker is the lone holdup, I'm sure an
open call for titling would return some outstanding results. Obviously
my suggestion is the Boregasm Pill. I think Boregasm is a good name both
because people tend to yawn when they're tired or bored, and because if
yawning could make them have an orgasm they would probably be way less
tired and bored. (Oh, I'll get to the post-coital fatigue factor in a
minute.) Think of all those quarterly meetings and school lectures and
dates with girls you have pretended to find interesting only to have
them be like,
cheek peck, "Thanks for the $150 dinner. Peace
out." Insufferable. Now imagine yourself in those same situations, but
with a play-out as follows:
There you are. Some dude/chick is droning on. You're trying hard,
really hard, to pay attention. But you're dying of boredom. Your eyes
droop. You bow your head. Try to stifle the inevitable jaw drop a little
longer. But you can't...hold it...in. You...
Yaaawwwnnn.
Whoa. What's that? Is that? Is that a...
Holy Kleenex, Batman! I think I just blew a load!
And suddenly, you're back. Back to Excel spreadsheets detailing
quarterly performance. Back to differentiating equations. Back to
emitting sounds of sympathy and disgust at the appropriate times as you
get the play-by-play of how Nikki wasn't invited to Jenny's party but
she found out Kelly was so she tried to private Facebook message Kelly
to ask what the WTF but she accidentally posted it on Kelly's timeline
and all of Kelly's 876 friends saw the message, including Jenny, and now
Jenny is pissed at Nikki and Kelly because she thinks they're, like,
trying to cause drama and ruin her party so now she's
uninvited
Kelly and so Nikki and Kelly are, like, joining forces and trying to get
people to blackball the party and--is that the right, word,
blackball?--and also unfriend Jenny on Facebook and if they're
successful it would basically mean the downfall of Kelly. Like, from the
Earth of her social life.
DISCLAIMER: Boregasm pills deliver only one orgasm per dose, and have
a recommended dosage of one pill per 12 hours, so you may still need to
exercise some caution when choosing which conferences to attend and
girls to go out with.
The miraculous science behind the Boregasm pill involves the tweaking and rearranging of an orgasm's biochemistry. For example:
- Users experience internal rather than external stimulation of the
penile muscles, induced by the sharp inhalations of air yawns elicit,
plus voodoo drugs.
- Users enjoy expedited climax achievement. Almost immediately
following the triggering yawn, the pill hits Muhammed Ali style--hard
and fast--thanks to the powers of...voodoo drugs.
- Users benefit from, uh, "Hold the sauce" blockers that enable the
explosive discharge of neuromuscular tension, but prevent the release of
accompanying male ejaculate. So no Kleenex, diapers necessary. This is
made possible by the rapid acceleration of the orgasm process. And also
voodoo drugs.
- Users absorb hormonal balancers that inhibit the distribution of
prolactin, oxytocin, and vasopressin, three chemicals whose appearance
following an orgasm is linked to males' inclination to pass out after
sex rather than stay up for hours discussing hopes and dreams and
favorite baby names and whether or not it's time for a new tablecloth.
"Hormonal balancers" is, of course, another way to say "voodoo drugs."
As a bonus, Boregasm pills incorporate 100 mg of caffeine to enhance blood flow during the Big O and alertness pursuant to it.
The Boregasm outcome? Renewed vigor, renewed interest in the
mind-numbingly monotonous parts of your day, renewed commitment to
swimming strong through the murky waters of life, and, most notably
perhaps, a renewed appreciation for the yawn.
Note: I think the pills work for ladies too but I didn't read on to
find out how because, like all men, I'm not too concerned about whether
or not women have orgasms.
Continue Reading...
Every groom-to-be gets cold feet at some point, and this zombie wedding
cake topper brilliantly summarizes both the worst and best case
scenarios that could play out when that happens. Worst Case Scenario:
Your feet are so cold that you actually take off running, and your
fianc�e must resort to physical force, and possible violence, to drag
you back to the altar. Best Case Scenario: That fianc�e is also a
zombie, so you don't have to feel too bad about killing her to get away.
And you always thought she was an icy bitch because you couldn't
get to second base. The Boob Luge puts a positive spin on the cold
reality of interacting with women. Also, just like in the good ol' days
of infancy, it allows thirsty boys (and girls, we guess) to lock lips
with a nipple, and feel the nourishment flow. Only difference is, this
ice cold rack's mammary duct work spurts out milk that's 80 proof.
It may still stink, but ingest a couple of these 24K capsules, and
your shit will look as handsome as a pile of gold. Tobias Wong and
J.A.R.K. (Ju$t Another Rich Kid) created the Gold Pills as part of their
INDULGENCE line, and as a bit of swallowable commentary on society's
obsession with wealth and consumption. Just down one of the gold
leaf-filled tubes (preferably with a shot of espresso and a couple
prunes) and transform your insides into a rich and luminous palace of
major systems and organs, all churning in perfect synchronicity towards a
singular goal: making your shit sparkle.
We wondered too, but the answer is no. blk. black bottled water
is not part of an SNL skit � la black caulk or Colon Blow. It's a real
artesian spring water from aquifers in Canada's Sandiland Forest
Reserve. And it takes itself very seriously, claiming to be
richly endowed with fluvic minerals and other alchemic phenomena that
will turbocharge your life force, despite the fact no one has ever heard
of them. Ahhh, Canadians.
Ahhh, summertime. 'Tis the season. To be sneaky. The Freedom Flask, in the same spirit of duplicity and cunning as the Nano Hummingbird Spy Camera and the iStash,
aids users in their quests to do things they aren't supposed to behind
the backs of those who would make them stop. Easily concealed under
clothes as a belted pouch, the Freedom Flask holds up to 32 ounces of
your favorite booze, which it covertly distributes through an open fly
via its extendable hose and nozzle. Men, not only is it now possible to
have two pants snakes, but it's possible for both to inspire
equal and unmitigated displays of awe and reverence from those lucky
enough to catch a glimpse of them. Ladies, say goodbye to your sobriety
and better judgment. (Or wear a Freedom Flask yourself across the
chesticular region, and garner some extra attention of your own!)
At this time last year, the World's Strongest Beer was Armageddon,
a 330 mL bottle of malt, hops, a little sweetness, and an awesome 65%
ABV crafted by Scottish brewery Brewmeister. This year, the World's New
Strongest Beer is Snake Venom, a 275 mL bottle of peat smoked malt,
acid malt, chocolate malt, and a slightly even more staggering 67.5%
ABV. Crafted by...Scottish brewery Brewmeister. Apparently, no one can
top their instant liver damagers with beers even approaching potable, so
they set about to--and succeeded in--trumping themselves.
Several years ago, Willy Wonka
sat down with the UK's most distinguished chocolatiers to lay down the
next big release in artisan chocolate. He tried many of their stunning
and revolutionary manipulations of the finest Belgian exports, and felt
rejuvenated by the abundance of creativity and potential. However, none
of their singular confectionery creations quite hit the mark on its own.
Here is the story of how Edible Anus Chocolates were born.
If you know a lot of assholes, you know what it's like to deal with
their shit. Now, it's time to return the favor. ShitSenders.com enables
the shat upon to send steaming piles of Don't get mad, get even
to inconsiderate, self-important, obnoxious, or otherwise turd-deserving
recipients. Anonymously. Exes, evil bosses, crooked mechanics, Nancy
Grace--the shit storm is brewing, and when it hits, it'll be
freshly-packed and delivered deliciously ripe right to their front
doors.
Ink, sperm and eggs go in, a financially secure future comes out. In
vitro fertilization is expensive, and let's face it, so are babies. What
better way to offset the costs, and maybe make a little extra (elbow-elbow)
than selling some prime epidermal real estate on your newest bread
winner? Octomom- and Duggar-approved, you won't be saying, "Eight is
Enough" after you calculate the earning potential of these walking
billboards.
Red Bull creator Chaleo Yoovidhya died in March 2012, leaving behind
an unparalleled energy drink phenomenon and industry. Not since
Coca-Cola and YouTube spectacles involving numerous tabs of Alka Seltzer
has a carbonated beverage caused such frenzy and reverence throughout
the world. And let's not forget Red Bull's braggin' rights as first
super-caffeinated hard liquor mixer to regularly prompt trips to the ER.
Remember Thailand's native son Yoovidhya, his legacy, and the fact that
Original Thai Red Bull is 3 to 4 times more "effective" than its
Western counterpart with a 150 ml bottle of version 1.0.
